June 25, 2004

More proof of the conspiracy

Depending on what's on sale when I need it I tend to buy generic drugs for basic pain needs -- ibuprofen, asprin, etc. It's all the same inside, right?

But the conspiracy wants you to buy the name-brand (Advil, Bayer, etc.) so they can maintain their fleets of Hummers and eat truffles with saffron sauce for breakfast, lunch and dinner. What's their fiendish plan for maintaining a stranglehold?

Coat the outside of the generic pills with diarrhea fermented for two years! It's brilliant! Picture:

You have a headache and need relief. You reach for the bottle, open it up and get a whiff of nastiness. But you chalk that up to your headache messing with sensory input and soldier on. Then you pop two of those bastard pills gagging on the accompanying stench filling your mouth. You wash them down with some artificially-sweetened soda but the stench is still there and you can't get rid of it except by eating some sort of curry product which winds up making you break raunchy wind in bed. The resulting funk is the last straw for your wife who remembers your stinky ass the next time Steve the Hunky Gym Trainer hits on her and winds up sleeping with him, destroying your marriage and over the course of a horrific divorce your self-esteem as well. This brings your work production to a screeching halt and since your company is working on margins thinner than an Olsen twin they axe you without a second thought. And the last thing whistling through your head as you leap off the top of the US Steel building is:

All because of generic drugs....

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